"Two wrongs don't make a right;
But three rights make a left."
So you're wondering, why in the heck should I freely give away my money to some stranger? Quite frankly, I don't blame you. Yet, there are many reasons to be charitable. Choose a link on the menu at your left for various reasons to donate money to me. If you're still not convinced, you sure do drive a tough bargain. You are a practical person, and would never consider giving away your money for nothing in return. Never fear, there is hope. If you donate money to me, I will send you a personalized email, with one word for every dollar you send, OR a video of me belly dancing. My choice. So come on, you've always wanted a personalized 300 page novel, haven't you?
Top 10 Reasons To Give Me Money
10. Perhaps you are filthy rich.
9. As a child, a giant elk named Bjorn taught you to never be selfish.
8. You can tell your friends you are a professional philanthropist.
7. I really need to go to college! I'll try really hard to make a difference.
6. Send me a sizeable donation and I will do anything you want... (just about)
5. You have a kind and generous heart and know that it is the right thing to do.
4. You were once in need of money and now that you have some, you'd like to help someone else
3. There is a huge jar of change in your room and you need a way to get rid of it.
2. Your great great Uncle Sally left you millions, with the provision that you give half to charity.

and the number one reason to give me money...

1. Because I'm just so great!
Why I Need Money
OK, This is where I get all sappy and make you sympathize with me. I figured I should throw an the legitimate reason why I am begging for cash, for those who would not be otherwise persuaded to be gracious and giving and caring and kind and so on and so forth. So here it goes.

Long ago, in a hospital in central Houston, a baby was born. That baby's name was Jeremy. Fast forward a few years, circa the present. 15 year-old Jeremy's life is fine. He has friends, and he lives in peace and harmony (usually...) with his parents and sister (ok, forget peace and harmony) in their small suburban home. The only source of revenue for young Jeremy is mowing the yards of his grandparents and uncle. (Before you yell at me to go get a job, lemme tell ya, as soon as I hit 16, job applications will be sent in.) Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy's Parents both have full time jobs, but they are pretty low-paying jobs as mail clerks for large corporations. Mr. Jeremy's Dad also holds a part time position at a department store. Yet, low pay + lots of bills (not from extravagant spending, mind you, but from necessary home repairs and such) = next to zilch moolah leftover in the bank. Which means the only investments they have made in Jeremy's college fund would probably come close to paying for room and board for a semester. Jeremy is a bright young individual, and there are lots of scholarships out there. But the competition for these is fierce, and there are no guarantees. So Jeremy would like money to put away for college, and for other educational expenses along the way that his parents probably could not afford, such as yearbooks and class ring and such. Jeremy puts away a majority of the little money he earns in a parking meter-shaped bank. Would you like to help send Jeremy to college? Do you want to help a future leader of America reach his dreams? Do you simply have nothing better to do than send [20] dollar bills to strangers? Then go ahead, send me some money!
Ways To Get More Money For Me
Gee, I'd love to help you out, Jer, you say, but I have no money to give. Fear no more. Here are 10 simple ways to collect cash to kindly give to me:

    10) Dial 1-800-CALL-ATT. You'll save at least a buck or two. (guess what can you do with that
        buck-or-two)
    9) Dress up as Santa Claus and ring a bell outside of Walmart. (Hey, it works for the Salvation
        Army guys)
    8) Don't Supersize that Value Meal. You know that hamburger has too much cholesterol as it
           is. Eat the smaller meal with fewer calories, pass the savings on to me.
    7) Run a website just like this and donate all proceeds to me!
    6) Go door to door asking for donations to a worthy cause. (okay, maybe a bad idea)
    5) Have a garage sale.
    4) Keep track of all coupons you use, and send me their value. Hey, its money you would have
        spent anyway if you hadn't used the coupons!
    3) Chat with cousin Joe from Alabama through Instant Messenger instead of calling long
        distance. (BTW, my AIM sn is jeremy1556)
    2) Buy Kroger-brand everything instead of the more expensive name brands.

aaaaand number one...

    1) Dig under the sofa cushions
Threats, Pleas,and More
For those who have not been convinced by my numerous reasons you should send me money, this is the section for those diehards where I will threaten you, make final desperate pleas, and send you on a one-way guilt trip. *ahem*

If you do not give me money, your conscience will be plagued with eternal guilt, and dreams of giant purple llamas attacking you with bananas, crowbars, and various frozen meat products.

PLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEE send me money! I never ask for much. Maybe a little something here or there, but I'm just an innocent kid! My future is at stake!

This is your chance to do something for a fellow human being! Prove to yourself that you are willing to make a sacrifice for the benefit of others. Prove to yourself that you aren't just another greedy Scrooge like all the rest. Prove to yourself that the only way to appreciate what you have is to give. In the end, we are judged by what we gave, not what we had. Do it. Or are you not man (or woman) enough?

Send money, or else you will be flogged with organic produce.

If you don't give me money I'll tell my mommy on you!

You know those ads asking for just 15 cents a day to save a starving child in poverty? If 15 cents can save them, imagine what 15 bucks can do for me!

Sure, you may have nightmares or purple llamas assaulting you, but what will happen in reality is much worse. If you don't give, you may be forced to watch Mimi from the Drew Carey Show do the polka while listening to the complete collection of Dolly Parton CD's over and over while being forced to eat countless brussel sprouts... for all of eternity! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Whether your nights full of llamas swatting at you with bananas, or you are forced to eat four square meals a day of sauerkraut, nothing is worse than the feeling of guilt that will inevitably plague your conscious and unconscious soul*, so cough up, bucky.

*does not apply if you do not possess a soul